The Balance and In-Between

Explore, Dream, Discover

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain

I saw this quote last night, and have never been so inspired from a quote. It sums up everything in my being. Of late I have been discouraged and encouraged by the dogged job hunt. This quote spoke simply to me.

I am thirsting for the world. I want to see, experience, and take it all in.

Lately I have been very 'lost' in a sense but we must remember. . .

"Not all who wander are lost"

"The DJ"

The DJ and I Nov '05

I met my college boyfriend when I was eighteen. He made me feel like a special, beautiful ray of sunshine. Everything that I deserved to feel, he pointed it all out. He was funny, sensitive, exciting and a great listener. He always did the right things by me and I noticed it. In a college town full of selfish people, he was quite the contrary to the average. He called me his Queen Nevine, and had a low, sexy and raspy voice that I loved. We shall call him "The DJ".

It took almost two years for us to actually become official, but once we were- things were easy, and they worked. Of course only for awhile, but looking back- I don't want to focus on the bad, just the good memories. Three years of good memories. We lived together, bought a dog together, bought furniture together, vacationed together, became pre-engaged, were planning a life together... I was going to be Mrs. DJ.

We spent so many nights together making each other laugh, making each other dinner, making beautiful memories. Oodles of time were spent thinking of one another when we were apart (which was never for too long) and we bought each other little special presents. We would usually try to have lunch together, in between my classes and during some free time. I would show up at his job and do homework in the back room. We were programmed into each others lives. He would work late 3 nights a week, and I would have an automatic, internal 'The DJ alarm' that would pop off to make sure to give him a call at his nightly DJ gig to see if he was on his way home safely to me.

We would alternate taking care of our dog. When I was at class he'd make sure she was cared for and visa versa when he was at work. We loved cooking, he taught me his famous recipe of Italian Red Sauce, even though I hated red sauce I was enamored with his intensity towards it and wanted to be a good little helper in the kitchen.

We were big kids at heart. We loved video games and owned every system on the market as well as from the past. A perfect sunday to us was a visit to a used video game store, Toys R' Us and a home cooked meal- afterwards we'd play with our new board games and invite friends over. He made me laugh, and he made me cry on so many occasions of laughing so hard. He made me HAPPY.

We would play practical jokes on each other. He once poured a large cup of freezing water on my head while I was singing in the shower. I used to tickle his feet when he was trying to sleep in after a long night of DJing. We did each other's laundry, put gas in one another's cars and genuinely looked after each other.

We struggled as a couple, like all do. There were times that we were so dirt poor that his mother would take us to the grocery store. Other times we would just skate on by with nothing, waiting for the next paycheck. We had our fair share of great times and deep caves of scary times.

He definitely had a weight problem and a sweating problem, (looking back it makes me laugh when I say those things- and how picky I am now!) His weight/sweat problem was due to a benign tumor in his adrenal glad, and it didn't matter to me, I adored his personality and the way he made me feel and laugh. He was smart too, a UCLA college graduate, and a fluent French speaker, he lived in France for almost a year, and he had been a sniper in the Marines. I was enamored by his verbal resume that he spoke to me about, and showed this off to my friends, parents, grandparents, family, co-workers, college professors. . . everyone I knew. I was proud of him, he was someone I was proud of and in love with.

We assisted in the aid of two great pairs of our friends eloping. And, one pair of friends wound up getting married. The DJ and I did special things when we were together, we were an unstoppable team of sorts. Except, one thing I never understood was why my intelligent, smart, worldy boyfriend was constantly settling for mediocrity, a nightly DJ gig and a manager of a sporting-goods store.

Our breakup was a tough dose of medicine to swallow the semester that I was becoming an adult, the last semester of my senior year. But what I found out was that he was a LIAR.

The truth to his being, his verbal resume, was entirely false. And, not for nothing- it shocked me into submission. My great college love, I began to hate. I hated that he lied to me, I hated that I lived with him, I hated that I looked around the apartment which was so littered with aspects of a combined him and I. I hated that I was in this position.

In the midst of that break up was a wake up call. Three years after the butterflies, the promise ring came off my finger, the lease was severed, the dog was kidnapped (by me), the DVD's were separated, cardboard boxes came out, and my heart would bleed for months, and years to an extent.

Life became ugly at that point. Ugly, sad and poignant.

At such a precious time to my well-being, and celebration of my college, I didn't care. I was in the midst of heart wrenching sorrow. I wound up moving myself out and sleeping on my best girlfriends floor. Another hard medicine to swallow, but I can never be so grateful to have such a strong friend in my life.

There were nights (that turned into weeks) that my nervous system was on such high-alert that I would shake with sleeplessness through the nights, I went on a solid week without real sleep. I was a DAMN MESS! Phone calls around the clock to my mother, and pacing, always pacing, and on the defense. My best friend would listen to me cry myself to sleep for hours, and we both knew nothing she would or could say would help my pain.

Sometimes I couldn't figure out why I was sad. He was trying to hold onto every last thread of the relationship, and doing wonderful things to prove how sorry he was. I came home to his new apartment one night and there was a candle on every single stair case that led up to his new place and our song was playing. He was waiting for me at the top, and led me into a slow dance. It was beautiful and perfect, but to me it didn't feel right. Too little, too late, the damage had already been done.

I loved that man to no end, and I wanted us to work. But if this person had deceived me about who he was as an individual, what else could he be capable of lying about? I knew in my heart I didn't want to stick around for the rest of my life to figure that out.

In no way do I hate The DJ, he did the best by me and really loved me, looking back he was an amazing and perfect chapter for my college days. I went through some unusual stresses in college - which are highly personal. In a town of unfriendly faces, The DJ was my best friend and protector. He had strength and an intense love for me and even saved me from a painful death of acute appendicitis.

I put my trust and love into this man. So when he was no longer in my life, this empty, disgusting and deep void filled me. But soon happy things began to happen, and I turned to my family who saved me from that deep void.

And so here I am, almost two years after the beginning of the break-up with the biggest relationship of my life, and I'm doing much better! No more sleepless nights on floors, things actually became BEAUTIFUL in my life. I landed an amazing internship at a NYC based PR firm that sprung into a position with the company. I even landed a job worked at an American automotive company! Who would of thunk?! Through those dark times, I couldn't imagine which way was up, much less how bright my future actually was.

I realized who the people in my life that were worth keeping around. My judgement became a bit sharper and my parents have been wonderful and let me live in there house post-break up. But it has been the people in my life that have really launched me into letting myself "BE SOMEBODY" they never let me doubt my potential, and the rays of sunshine have been a bit hazy two years after the breakup. But, I have this earth shaking feeling that something great is about to happen.

There was an after thought with Mr. DJ. We ended it officially in August of '08, that's when the phone calls stopped and the contact stopped. But, we got back in contact in December and walked around the streets of Manhattan during the Holiday excitement. It was a night that the Christmas tree was lit up, actually just about a year ago. I walked around with him, and nothing was the same, he was arrogant and ready to prove himself to me. There was nothing kind about him anymore. I can't imagine the pain and embarrassment that he must have felt over his self-concocted lie and the trauma of the breakup. But there was nothing sweet about him any longer. It was that night that I realized, this was stupid to upkeep. And, just like that I ran to the train after hugging him goodbye, and we've never spoke since.

"We Aquire the Strength we have Overcome" - Ralph Waldo Emerson