Love, that isn't Right. . .

In springtime, I fell in love with someone. We met at a party we had both never been to, on a night of no expectations. He made me laugh, feel comfortable and I didn't have to try hard when we were together. Conversations flowed naturally and we fell in love quickly. At the time my life was what I wanted it to be, I worked for Corporate America, was making decent money and felt like things were finally coming together for myself.

I have to be honest, I've never been a good 'picker' for boyfriends, they are usually liars, or a muddled bag of 'just not right'. But this new man felt different, felt comfortable and I could see myself settling and starting a nice life together, or at the time I was craving all those cushy ideas. For the first couple of months I was blinded by my intense feelings for him, and felt happy and confident about our honeymoon period. I showed him everything I cared about and introduced him full force into my life. My parents, aunt, brother, college friends, high school friends, and co-workers all met him and understood my radiance as love.

It was about a month into the relationship that I realized whenever I was with him we were boozing hard. I never hit the bottle as hard as him, but didn't mind our spring time afternoon hikes into a field to watch a sunset. However they were usually accompanied with a picnic basket and a bottle of wine. Those were the romantic effects of his addiction, but it was hard when I would watch him wreck himself on a Sunday afternoon. I didn't feel the effects of this for awhile, but then I noticed when he looked at his watch one day at 7:45pm and suddenly he had to get to the liquor store in the next 15 minutes. My thoughts and fears simply asked him: "are you an alcoholic?" he shook his hand in a 'sort of' wave and kept on.

A couple weeks later I saw his addictions come out full force and it broke my heart, but mostly scared the hell out of me. I won't get into the nitty gritty of his addiction, but I will focus on my reaction. . . one of pure surprise and sadness. I kept up the relationship for a couple more months, and wanted to make it work. I loved his small town vibes and how we saw beauty in the world. I loved his sense of humor and openness. But there were times when I would realize that we were so different.

I have always dreamed of living in a big city, having a career that enables me to see the world, and living a life that inspires my inner creativity. His addictions limited his visions as well as he just wanted a life of living in the same town he was born in and being happy with just that. I'm saddened that we broke up, and sometimes I wish I could have helped him more with his addiction. But at the time I did all I could, I signed him up for AA meetings and tried talking to him about it. All were failed attempts that made me feel defeated. I truly cared about this man and about our relationship. I realized I needed to chase my dreams and a relationship was not going to help....

My thoughts are with him always.